Onion Uttapam : India's Leading Satire Daily

An infidel, Martin A Miss has issued a fatwa to another infidel Barack Obama saying that if he secures the Democratic nomination and goes on to become President of America he will, having been born a Muslim, "deserve" to have the fatwa pronounced upon him. Martin made his remarks at a Literary Festival, where he had gone to unabashedly promote his no-brainer book The Second Plane. He said: "His father was a Muslim, that means he is a Muslim. It doesn't matter that his mother is a Christian. He was born a Muslim and has converted to Christianity so he is in the same position as Salman Rushdie and deserves the death penalty." Stirring up the press conference he addressed he further went on to say that Obama should not be assasinated unlike what the right-wing historian Edward Luttwak in a recent article in the New York Times, had hinted at and alluding to the Illinois senator's renunciation of his Muslim faith and its possible consequences. Martin, however, sees this apostasy as presenting difficulties when dealing in Middle Eastern politics. He added: "He will have problems when he goes to Saudi Arabia if he becomes president. As a sign of welcome, the Saudi princes who are inebriated most of the time may accord him a "string him up by the balls" welcome and order for another 20 F-18 jets to be kept, moth-balled, in their private museum. The precedent for this has been already set by Dubya aka George Wimpy Bush visiting that desert-state twice in 4 months"

Although the airing of such views may cause delight in the ageing vamp, Hillary Clinton camp, they are unlikely to go down well with moderate Muslims. Martin himself caused outrage among their number, last year, at  another Literary Festival when he said Muslim states are less "civilised" than Western society because they didnt eat rare, dripping with blood steak with mashed baby potatos and preferred to eat re-heated frozen Hyderabadi-biriyani. Those bloody Indians are all over the globe. What will happen to Big Mac?" He added: "Some societies are just more evolved than others, like the Indians. I am not saying these people, the muslims, are genetically incapable of not being terrorists. These societies are arming themselves with weapons like the AK47 and blowing people up on buses and trains with supplies flooding them from the Central Incapable Agency who themselves are being used as puppets fby the skull-cap wearing Jews of the right wing extremist Mom's-sad located in a deep cave and protecting Osama." Turning aside and speaking to an aide he added that Clinton had spoken in an oblique way and proceeded to quote her, "It may seem a bit beyond the context, and it may  appear I am crossing my toes and fingers for Obama to be bumped off before the Democratic convention, but I am hoping it would come to pass. Because at this point in my campaign, my strategists say thats the only variable they have planned for. Theres nothing to be upset about this....anything could happen but the male-dominated media has been projecting this as a battle of sexes" sighed Martin.

When one member of his audience suggested not all Muslims were terrorists he retorted: "No one else is doing it because everybody else is busy laughing and rolling on the ground at Dubya's in-famous War with Toys and Mission Accomplished TV appearances while pleading 'Either buy my guns or get shot by them. The choice is yours' kind of rhetoric that people have become so sick of hearing." Asked if Osama would support his fatwa, Martin replied, " I have asked for a closed door meeting with him in an underground bunker where Dick Cheney is currently holed up planning how to swing the elections the Republican way. Both of them are yet to get back to me. But I think, the fatwa would be a shoo-in, considering that I have upstaged the Iranians at their own game. I have, with this fatwa on Obama, issued a warning that I may issue a fatwa on them also."

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