Tweet the Truth on Twitter

Sunday, 21 February 2010 20:50

Written by Anshul, onion uttapam news

Leading social networking site, Twitter has incorporated a new, revolutionary feature in its short messaging service. It announced today that it is launching a new service to make the world a more truthful place. The new feature, which has been named as 'Twitter truth' (http://truth.twitter.com) is result of a new algorithm developed by the company which ensures that whenever you tweet, you tweet only the truth. This algorithm has been developed based on Arthur Conan Doyle's observation - "Whenever you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains is the truth."

"We have developed a new algorithm which essentially eliminates all impossible and false statements posted on Twitter using a special technology, which through an extensive web search of the user, finds out whether the person is tweeting the truth or lying out-rightly. Any tweet that successfully passes the elimination stage will be considered as truth and get posted. If it fails the elimination test, it will be posted but in blood red color indicating that the tweet is a lie. Our new feature will help the cause of truth worldwide. Through this new feature, we are trying to ensure that people tweet only the truth of their hearts and not the lies fabricated by their minds.” said the press release issued by Twitter Inc.

twittertruth "There is too much falsehood in the world today. Everyone lies. Politicians lie, industrialists lie, movie stars lie, religious gurus lie, common people lie. We need truth badly. Through this service, people of the world will be able to separate the truth from the lies" said Evan Williams, CEO of Twitter, speaking to reporters at the premises of the company's headquarters.

This new feature was recently tested and put into great use during the controversy surrounding the release of Bollywood movie 'My Name is Khan' in India. As is well known, the talks between Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan and Shiv Sena Chief Bal Thackeray had broken down due to lack of trust between the two. All efforts made through political, legal and other mechanisms failed to bring the two of them on talking terms.

It was here that Twitter's revolutionary new feature was put to good use aiding the two in gaining each others trust which eventually led to a peaceful, hassle-free release of the movie in Mumbai. The development team of twitter had specially flown in to Mumbai to demonstrate this new service and prove its reliability to the aging tiger, while another team made a similar demonstration to the Bollywood star in Berlin. After becoming convinced of the effectiveness of the feature, SRK tweeted about his true feelings. Bal Thackeray, who was also using the new service, reading his tweets realized that SRK was speaking the truth and privately agreed to allow the release of the movie in Mumbai, though publicly he kept the pretense of opposition to its release.

This new feature was tested by Onionuttapam.com also. When we tweeted that Onionuttapam is a dish and not a website, the message got tweeted across the world wide web, demonstrating what twitter has been saying “Truth is only twitted here”. We tried posting URL's of many of our fake stories. All our stories passed the elimination test and got tweeted instantly proving that today's fake stories are tomorrow's truth and also proving that satire is the new reality.

This new feature has been hailed as most important invention since the invention of twitter. The importance of this new feature can be gauged from the reaction of governments across the world. Barack Obama, President of the United States and world's most followed twit, has stopped using twitter with immediate effect. He will now henceforth lie only on television and public rallies. White House has directed all politicians of US, irrespective of their party affiliations, to completely avoid using Twitter until NSA succeeds in hacking its algorithm and reprogramming it to ensure that US politicians never get red-marked by Twitter. The GOP has specially instructed its moronic vice-presidential contender Sarah Palin to just shut the tweet up.

Chinese government has announced absolute ban on use of twitter in China fearing that an outburst of truth will result in social unrest. In India, the PM has directed National Informatics Center (NIC) to develop a special website to enable twitter-addict Shashi Tharoor to continue tweeting to his six and half lac followers and thus circumvent the proposed ban on Twitter use by the Parliament of India which is considering passing a new law which will prohibit the use of twitter by any politician or government servant. Most other governments across the world are also thinking of following the Indian government's stand on twitter.

The Vatican and many Uleama’s across the world have rejected requests made to them by disbelievers to use the new twitter truth service. "We are God’s own people and we speak only the truth. Whatever we speak comes directly from the mouth of God. We don’t need to provide any proof to anyone that we speak truth since whatever we speak automatically becomes the truth.” said Vatican in a press release. While many Ulema’s across the globe have agreed that talak on twitter would be considered acceptable, they are united in their opposition to the use of twitter amongst Islamic organizations and are in agreement with the point of view expressed by the Vatican.

Religious leaders, faith healers, gurus, swamis, babas, tantriks and charlatans across the globe are unanimous in their agreement with the Vatican's views. "Only liars need to prove that they are speaking the truth. Since we never lie, we don't have to prove that we are speaking the truth." said one prominent guru on conditions of anonymity fearing his statement will be exposed as lie on the new Twitter service.

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