Onion Uttapam : India's Leading Satire Daily

I, Sonali Kauvva, write this in agony. Today's Honorable High Court of Delhi has ruled against me and 4 of my colleagues and threw our combined ONE TON weight out of their court. Our plaint was simple. We had joined RaniPakad Air to fly and flirt with balding men and drooling juveniles. We wanted to serve them Koffi laced with our frothy spit since our catering supplier skimped on cream for Koffi. The juveniles added their drool and the baldies were blind to see what we were doing since they ogled on our 3-tyred waists with the unabashedglee of lil schoolboys. Oh! what fun we had as we jab-dropped plastic forks onto their laps and watched them writhingly ask for more in flight after flight. Our employer liked it although the Captains grumbled because the planes were drinking way too much fuel and their profit-take reduced whenever we boarded their flights.

Are you laughing? It will be your turn next. Just you wait. Ha!!

Admittedly, the planes took longer take-off runs since our competitors, the plane's tyres were reluctant to leave home. The accountants did not love us as their ink was always in red. Our employer did not mind because he simply had more of us to love and explore. He always referred to us as the Jumbo-girls and made sure that we were on his flight to serve him. And because of this, no, all the other girls felt jealous. We always told them, it doesnt matter if you just have a pretty face. Those skins and bones should have meat between them. Only then our regular customers would come back and "feel" for us no? So what if the plane drank a few 100 kilolitres of fuel? The regular fliers always filled the flight and also checked-in immediately as we rolled down the waiting halls of the airport.

Aiyyo!! I tell you, what all things we saw during our brief time when we flew. Once, there was this honeymooning couple that had boarded our business class. That poor skin n bones was wrapped in yards of Benares Silk and that poor, poor groom baby was slipping and slithering all over the saree unable to hold on to anything. Ha! As if anything was there. So I asked my colleague Divya to go and serve him some koffi. Boy! you should have been there to see his relief. He didnt need a seat belt, since one of Divya's waist-tyres was enough. He was beaming right through the 25 minute flight. Yes, you got it right the airline stopped sending us on long-haul flights after we tipped the scales at 1 ton, combined. So sweet of them no? Since we also didnt like to roll our way around the aisles for 2 hours and all. And most importantly then our waist-tyres would disappear no?

And now the court has decided in favour of our airline. Our employer called us up and cried. Poor fellow!! What can he do? its those accountants and Captains who in an interview just now collectively said, "We are happy at the court's decision. Now, we dont have to constantly maintain air-balance in the skies since these jumbo-girls will not be rolling around in the aisles making us fight for stability of the craft even when we were taxiing" How mean of them no? Now they are asking us to reduce to 250 kilos, combined in 45 days or go home. How can we do such a thing in soooo short a time? As we stepped out of the court, our lawyer, a regular flier and admirer of us consoled us and said actually our weight was not the problem at all. It was the hike in fuel prices that did us in. How can that be possible, we asked in a hoarse-chorus. Then the ingrate walked away saying, the price of oil and our crow's caws and crow's feet in our eyes and of course our beautiful shiny crow's color, all of them were causative factors.

"Imagine if crew members can't fasten their seat belts, how can they fly?" G Prasad Rao, RaniPakkad Air spokesman said when asked if he was happy with the court's decision.

Now how can that be? Obama is also black no? How come he got chosen and we grounded? Bawwwwl!!

Comments (6)

bigstoner said:

As a fallout of rising prices, the smugglers in Tamilnadu have found a novel method after abandoning their lorries....Inter-state smug glers who illegally transport ration rice from Tamil Nadu to neighbouring Kerala have switched over to a different mode of transport. Now, they use the oldest mode to smuggle PDS rice to their destination: donkeys. Their new tactics of using animals instead of trucks came to light on Saturday when revenue officials seized ration rice and a few donkeys from near Anumantharayanpatti, a village bordering Kerala in Theni district on Saturday. On a tip off, Theni collector S.J. Chiru sent a team of officials to monitor an isolated pathway near Anumantharayanpatti that is just 5 km away from Kerala when they found eight donkeys carrying eight sacks of ration rice on their backs. However, no human being accompanied them. Inquiries revealed that the donkeys were trained for smuggling purposes.

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June 29, 2008
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derebail2009 said:

	It is obvious that Air hostess can t keep on serving like a nightingale for decades, they loose the charm of serving after a decade. So they are better off in the ground. Ticketing, checking, and motivating customers in lounge and ticketing office. Their skills can be better utilised in PR and marketing. How long should they carry the tag of glorified maids LOL
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June 24, 2008
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newdelhi said:

	Tooooooooooooo Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood! hahahahahahha
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June 08, 2008
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sandhya said:

	Hey Maverick love reading your articles. Way to go man.
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June 06, 2008
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ragamuffin said:

	Awesome Dude ! Won't be long before Obama is grounded too !!
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June 06, 2008
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itzmee said:

	Awsummmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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June 06, 2008
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