Sachin Tendulkar Declared India's Savior God

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 18:52

Written by essbee, onion uttapam news

Although Sachin Tendulkar failed to save India from a humiliating defeat at the hands of South Africa in the Nagpur test, he continues to establish his reputation as a 'Savior' amongst his multitude of fans who see him as an all-purpose deity that can be used to save anything and everything in danger.

Onionuttapam.com has learnt about various plans to utilize the services of the popular cricketer for saving doomed things. After Kailash Surendranath roped him in for saving his highly-ridiculed 16 minute long music video titled 'Once again my musical note meets your musical note" conceived and conceptualized by him to unite Bollywood stars against fascists like Bal Thackeray (which expectantly failed since Bollywood stars lose their bravery and apetite to fight fascism every Thursday and Friday [Note#1: SRK said that, not us] and also because fascists like Bal Thackeray have more fire in their bellies, than all of Bollwood action heroes put together [Note#2: Big B said that, not us), there are plans afoot to use him for saving tigers, melting glaciers, Ganges river and a host of other endangered items on India's most endangered list.

sachin-saviour The trustees of 'Save the Tiger' campaign, part of Project Tiger scheme launched by the government of India to save the dwindling population of tigers in India, have requested Sachin Tendulkar to feature in a two-minute television spot where he will ask the 500 million strong television-viewing Indians, who have never seen a tiger in flesh-and-blood, to save India's precious tigers. It is not understood how television viewers perched comfortably on their sofas in drawing rooms in cities and towns, far away from the natural habitats of tigers, will save 1400 remaining tigers roaming in India's forests from being hunted down by poachers who don't get satellite television channels in the remote jungles where they practice tiger killing. But the trustees of the campaign are confident of SachinTendulkar's saving capabilities and are absolutely sure that by appearing in a two-minute video, he will be able to save tigers from extinction.

We have learnt that Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of IPCC, who got an egg on his face for falsely claiming that Himalayan glaciers will melt by 2035 is also thinking of using the services of Tendulkar, primarily to save his face, and secondarily to save the glaciers which he sincerely believes will become extinct at least by 2135 unless Sachin Tendulkar does his bit to save them from melting. If Sachin agrees, he will feature in a 3-minute video where he will assure viewers that while Pachauri's timing may have been slightly off, his heart is still in the right place (behind his voluptuous man-boobs). Tendulkar will request viewers not to consider IPCC reports on heating of earth and melting of glaciers as erotic fiction, just because of Pachauri's penchant for writing erotic fiction and remind us that Himalayan glaciers will melt sooner or later, unless we start setting thermostats in our refrigerators at less degrees than normal.

The promoters of 'Save the Girl Child' campaign are also running after him hoping he will consent to appear in a 4-minute video, where he will appeal to all the married viewers to not abort the entry of baby-girls into our world and tell the viewers how their unaborted daughters have the potential of becoming great cricketers like him. "Don't lose the opportunity of seeing your daughter become the next Sachin Tendulkar of India. Save the girl child.' he will say to viewers with a very concerned look on his face. This promotional campaign will be co-sponsored by India's women cricket team, who are hoping that Sachin's plea for allowing female cricketers to become as great as male cricketers will save women's cricket from spectator apathy.

Meanwhile, die hard cricket fans are hoping he will at least save Indian cricket team from ignominious losses more often and leave the saving of more important items on the India's most endangered list to more important people. But the rest of India is convinced that India doesn't have anyone more important than Sachin Tendulkar and hence he will have to perforce accept the responsibility of being India's favorite national savior god.