Onion Uttapam : India's Leading Satire Daily

Last week an announcement shook the world. It was the announcement that Archie Andrews, world's oldest teenager, has finally decided to put an end to his forever running love triangle and popped the big question to wealthy beauty Veronica Lodge, who has answered in affirmative. Archie Andrews has been a teenage heartthrob for generations of teens not only in the fictional town of Riverdale, but all over the teen world. Across the globe this decision was greeted with shock and heartbreak, for many - especially millions of girls-next-door brought up on staple diet of Archie comics - were under the impression that no matter whom Archie dates he would end up marrying his neighbor Betty Cooper. Lots of questions are being raised on his decision to marry Veronica and a helluva lot of electrons are being wasted on the world wide web trying to figure out the reasons for his unexpected decision.

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Onionuttapam.com decided to get in touch with the legendary teenager and ask him directly why he chose Veronica over Betty. We caught him up at Riverside High Cafeteria, sitting with his pal Jughead discussing his marriage plans.

OU: Hello Archie, we are from onionuttapam.com, an India based website. We make up fictional news stories and since you are fiction too, we thought you would be an appropriate character to be interviewed for the benefit of your real Indian fans.
Archie: Hello folks in India. I love you all.
Jughead: Hey Onion Ootapummm! Yum Yum!! Isn't it an Indian snack that Raj's mother cooked for us sometime back?

OU: Yes, but we are a website named after that snack, not an edible dish. So stop drooling, Jug. We are so named because one of the founders of our site finds it yummy too.. (One-of-the-founders Note: there were other pseudo-intellectual reasons too for naming the site after the snack which we will reveal at some other time)
Archie: Hey Jug..you should have your own website too which you can call burger.com.
Jughead: Burger!!! (eyes wide open with eyeballs popping out & tongue sticking out from his mouth) Let me grab one while you finish off this interview.

OU: Well Archie, your fans in India would like to know why you popped the question to Veronica and not to Betty. All the Betty type of gals in India are feeling heart-broken.
Archie: My sympathies for all the Indian Betties. It's simple logic which most guys around the world will appreciate. I love both Betty and Veronica equally which is why for over 60 years I was unable to decide who to choose as my wife. But now, the financial crisis has made it easy for me to take a decision. In these bad times, Veronica is definitely a better bet than Betty.

OU: You choose Ronnie for financial reasons? So materialistic..
Archie: (embarrassed) No..I didn't meant that at all. It's not like that...ummmm..err..somethings can't be explained that easily, but can be felt and understood. Come on dude, all the guys around the world would understand why I am marrying Veronica. She is hot, beautiful, a head turner and my dream girl too. On the other hand, Betty is just like my mom. Why would I want a second mom at home? And of course, Veronica is an awesome package deal. Her father, though he hates me, has promised me a partnership stake in his business empire on the condition that I keep Jughead out while I'm on the job. (Hey, don't tell Jughead about it. I am planning to do it myself). Besides, with my poor grades, how will I find a job in these tough times?

OU: Okay Archie, we have heard Veronica making her wedding plans on her blog. What are your plans for the D-Day?
Archie: I don't have any plans. I'm going to get married as per her wedding plans..(laughs) It would obviously be a very lavish wedding befitting the Lodges.

OU: Where are you going after the marriage, Archie?
Archie: To Alaska..for the Winter Skating competition.

OU: We meant for the honeymoon, Archie.
Archie: Oh that!! I've no idea. Veronica will decide where we will spend our honeymoon. After all she has got the honey..er.. I mean the money..

OU: So what are you gifting Veronica after your wedding?
Archie: What can I gift her that she ain't already got? And what she hasn't got I can't afford. Veronica has already bought the gift she would like to receive from me..(sheepishly)..I'll just give it to her after the wedding.

OU: Any messages for your fans in India?
Archie:Yes, all of you rock, especially Patels. If it wasn't for counseling by Raj, I wouldn't have popped the question to Betty. And to my female fans, the Betty types of India, I request them not to stop reading my adventures. Betty ain't history yet. There are going to be twists and turns in my tale. Ronnie's unreasonable tantrums followed by my angry walk-outs from her mansion and crying on Betty's shoulders. Possibly threats of divorce from her side followed by demands by me of multi-million dollar divorce settlement..heh heh. It was Raj who explained to me how it was a win-win situation for me if I marry Ronnie. Brilliant chap!!!

At last we managed to get out the truth right from the horse's mouth - the real reason for Archie's decision to marry Veronica. It was because of a Gujju's lessons of hard-nosed practical life given to him that prompted Archie to pop the long awaited question to Veronica.

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Comments (2) add comment

Moi said:

Heyyy....i wanna start an anti archie andolan....breaking poor girls hearts....taking them for a ride.....marrying for money....Archie Andrews hai hai smilies/grin.gif

June 04, 2009

M said:

Hey good read, but just thot i'd point out a cpla things...
1. burger.com is taken.. and it isn't a food-type website either.. go chk if u don't believe me...
2. Did Archie and the gang get degrees in pseudo-intellectual English when i wasn't looking? it reads rather forced.. almost like Archie's tryin to speak Indian English.. and tryin too hard...