Gods of Doom Decide to End Life on Earth After Watching 2012

Friday, 04 December 2009 14:13

Written by oniouttapam news

After watching a special screening of the Hollywood blockbuster of the season, Roland Emmerich's doomsday movie 2012, the gods of heavenly realms unanimously voted to unleash doom on planet earth and extinguish all life on it. The special screening of the 158 minute long doom-fest which was attended by top Greek, Indian, Mayan and Egyptian gods including the god of doom, Shiva, left the gathering of divinities feeling so outraged that they decided that it was time civilization on earth should be immediately terminated.

"Please press your pineal button and open your third eye, Shiva" said an outraged Ra, the Egyptian Sun God to Shiva, who nodded in agreement.

"Can you believe that $250 million dollars have been wasted by Hollywood, producing this boring, monumental piece of overblown trash that converts the END OF THE WORLD to a tripe, cliche-filled, action-adventure about how a third-rate science-fiction writer manages to save himself, his wife and his kids from global doom? Can you believe that billions of people all over the world have wasted many billions more watching this sorry piece of movie-making that reduces their own death and the destruction of entire humanity to not even a statistical mention while asking the viewers to enjoy the dodging of death by a small, creamy layer of the society?" asked the Sun God to fellow gods.

"The supremely horrific event of annihilation of humanity has been reduced to a joke! And most people don't seem to mind it!" said the Sun God in wonderment.

Yama, the Hindu god of death, who looked thoroughly disappointed while watching the movie, agreed with his assessment. "Holy crap! What sort of end of the world was this? I was so looking forward to watching this movie. In my millions of years of existence, I've never seen simultaneous death of 6 billion people. The last time, Shiva had opened his third eye, the population of earth was barely half a billion. But seriously, what the fuck! The film-makers kill 99.99% of the earth's population, but don't show a single dead body on the screen! END OF THE WORLD WITHOUT A SINGLE DEAD BODY!!! No blood or gore, no smashed bodies, no pieces of flesh raining down from tall towers, no scenes of millions crushed under rubble of collapsing buildings, no scenes of people drowning and being eaten by sharks! I feel cheated. Well-done special effects and CGI cannot be an adequate replacement for the sheer horror of life coming to an end on a planet."

Shiva chipped in asking "Why are people flocking in millions to watch John Cusack get back together with his wife and kids? Who the hell is John Cusack anyway and why do people care what happens to him when their entire civilization is collapsing around them? Why does a movie documenting the end of the world has to be how-mr.nice-guy-saved-his-wife-and-kids-and-lived-happily-thereafter? Why should anyone even care about a happy thereafter when there is no thereafter, but a vast, barren endless waste of post-apocalyptic ruin which would possibly last for thousand of years before it produces anything of significance?

"But this was just a movie, Shiva. Disaster flicks need a conventional story-line to avoid endless loop of repetitive scenes of earthquakes ripping apart cities, collapsing buildings, erupting volcanoes, raging fires and floods which would have made the movie look like a comical, silly 3-hour long IndiaTV report on the end of the world but without the hilariousness imparted by background voice-overs enjoining viewers - "Yeh dekhiye, duniya ka ant ho raha hai'" protested Indra, god of heaven, fearing an over-influx of souls in heaven as a result of the end of the world.

Shiva disagreed. "No, Indra. Filmmakers on earth have made movies without conventional plots. A movie about the end of the world doesn't need badly-written assemblage of cliched sequences, Indian scientists who talk in a comically Hollywoodish Indian accent, corny dialogues, cliched romances, humans outrunning planes and planes outrunning earthquakes.

While everyone agreed that 2012 sucked badly, the gods were not in agreement that world needed to be annihilated for this reason alone. Lord Ganesha said that he wouldn't want his devotees to suffer needlessly for the crimes of Hollywood filmmakers. At this point, Cupid, the god of love suddenly spoke up and said dejectedly that he supports destruction of earth. When asked why he took out a pirated CD of the movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon from his diaper and informed the gods that this movie had record opening collections. After watching the movie, the assembly of gods unanimously passed the resolution to end life on earth.

Comments (2)

Musicalbacteria: ...

hahah .. this tagline "We were warned" takes a new meaning now.

It looks as if we all were warned against watching the muvee...

1

December 04, 2009

Twitter Trackback: ... http://bit.ly/info/8ipzMW

TaiyouSunRT @onionuttapam: #crackingnews Gods of doom decide to end life on earth after watching 2012 http://bit.ly/8ipzMW
shoOoonya They get better ideas RT @onionuttapam: #crackingnews Gods of doom decide to end life on earth after watching 2012
mugdha_m RT @shoOOonya: They get better ideas RT @onionuttapam: #crackingnews Gods of doom decide to end life on earth after watching 2012

2

December 04, 2009

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