The Satirical Guide to the Indian Stock Market - Ravings of this whirling stockaholic dervish

Wednesday, 07 May 2008 14:57

Written by Chest50Arms20

PART 2: RAVINGS OF THIS WHIRLING STOCKAHOLIC DERVISH

Not a single word of this Part of the articke could be true because it's a totally subjective viewpoint and there can be no evidence to the contrary. Enjoy! Just light reading to prepare you for the academic preaching in the end

Insane Thoughts of a Lunatic who has lots of free time…..

Why India should not outsource to Africa.

1. There are some parts of Central Africa where keyboards may be considered edible.

2. Our companies cannot afford the life insurance costs of outsourced Tutsi Africans.

3. Africans are yet to master the decimal system. Binary code will not be time effective.

4. A Sahara Desert BPO office will eat into the power costs. Dude, do you know how much electricity is needed to keep a central AC running when the external temperature is 60 degrees?

5. Forget power costs, they don't have too many generators installed yet.

6. In some areas, our BPO trainers wont get food, and may even end up on the menu.

7. Computer Virus isnt a worry but Ebola and HIV++ are a cause of concern.

Why India should not outsource to Bangladesh.

a. Traffic jams prevent more than 2 hours of work

b. Inefficiency is 90% of the 2 hrs work that gets done.

c. Cost of setting up undersea cables is prohibitive, especially due to monthly cyclones.

d. Sea Water damages hard disks.

e. Monitors that have pictures of women could be attacked with acid.

Why India should not outsource to Pakistan.

a. Bandwidth will be eaten up 100% in downloading Porn.

b. Difficult to employ women where bandwidth is eaten up in Porn.

c. Thick Burqas can affect the audio quality of headphones, in the all women call centres.

d. Mikes will get clogged due to excess makeup.

e. Do you seriously think a Paki can solve a technical problem on the phone?

[A Pakistani happily chats in a Delhi Call centre. A Sardar asks him, "Oye, Who employed you here? Paki says ," Paaji, I came to make an ISD call to my second wife and when I was about to call, some Firangi called me instead and said his Windows were not closing. I asked him to kick from outside and after sometime he said everything worked fine and thanked me. Within a minute a team of men in black suits started congratulating me and gave me 10,000 rupees to call as much as I can…Truly India is Shining!!!" ]

7 Great Future Products and Companies of India:

1. Maalaamaal Baal Cream:

An "instant hair regrowth" company, will target the future generation of metrosexual men who got bald early due to using too much of hair spray, gel and "All Cleared" Shampoo. Secret Ayurvedic techniques will be used, including plucking of herbs in new moon nights and mixing them in full moon nights. With 100 million middle aged men as customers, the company can easily earn net profit of 100 crores per quarter.

Downside Risk: The product is too good. Accidental drops falling on eyes/forehead/teeth can cause tremendous hair growth in these areas. Men who use the cream and scratch itchy areas are in for a surprise. Divorces can increase as Indian women do not like being touched with bushy palms. Nor do they like hair on their cheeks from a loving caress of a husband who has just applied Maalaamaal on his bald head.

Contrarian Company to invest: Hajaamat Anti-Hair Spray Ltd.

2. "All Night Long" Male Contraceptive Pill Set

Invented by a consortium that includes Fizzer, RanBackC, BioConk, Pantacea Biotech, Nicholas Prickamal, Abbort , Sunk Pharma, AuroBhindi Pharma, Dr-is-Ready Labs and NutCo Pharma. A product that uses ViaGharA mixed with a new molecule called BachchaRocho Nightroxide. Automatically enahnces vigour yet prevents accidental conceptions. Next version in the pipeline will have an auto-disinfect feature too to rid the world of the fear of AIDS.

(And then I can finally test the product in Thailand, Phillipines, Argentina, France and Mexico.)

The popular TV ad goes like this:
" Morfoolus: Neo, You choose the green pill, your wife will get pregnant and you will have all the worries of a married man with wailing kids, changing diapers and college fees. You choose the red pill, you can stop your worries and get on with what we are made for.
Neo: Stop your philosophy and give me the freakin red pill!!!!!"

Easily will be the best selling drug in world history. And since all pharma companies have made this as a consortium, you can buy pharma mutual fund bonds the moment the news of this drug is out. Assured 10,00,000% returns.

Downside Risk: Will increase the family size hundred fold of all colour blind men. Law Suits for not making a black and white pill can run into 500,000 crores.

3. C-FAR, a remote controlled contact lens product from InfraLens Ltd.

Millions and millions of Indians want to wear Raid Bank Sun glasses but cannot due to short sightedness and suffer from severe inferiority complex. This product uses the latest Satellite technology to track a user wherever he is and send a constant beam of infra red correction lens just ahead of his eyes. Thus, he never has to wear prescription glasses or contact lens.

A dual advantage is that the same satellite beam can be used to access internet, see cricket scores, adult MPEGs and complete online secure transactions with 256 bit Encryption.

Cheap, easy to use and broadly accepted, the earnings of the company can easily surpass those of Infosys in the late 2000 AD.

Extra Tip: Shares of Raid Bank Sunglasses can also be purchased on the side.

Downside Risk: A slight mistake in the positioning system can permanently blow a hole in the skull.

Investors can book profits when they hear the news of the first fatality.

4. Fidayeen Magnetic Radar from Fidayeen Security Services

This is a fantastic product from a fantastic company! The success of the Indian economy will prompt thousands of extra Fidayeen to attack our companies. The best way to utilize this free human resource is to use the enemy against the enemy. Enter Fidayeen Secuirty Services Ltd.

FSS makes a radar called FMR. This not only detects a Fidayeen but automatically brainwashes him into thinking that any other Fidayeen he knows are Indians and all Indians are fellow Fidayeen. Pretty soon, you will see hundreds of Fidayeen colliding with each other and blowing themselves apart.

The company will earn from sales of the radar as well as Insurance Costs saved in the premise. The invesntors are from IIT Madras and so have included a module that calculates how many insured Indians would have died if the FSS Radar was not installed, and they use this to charge 10% of LIC average payout person [which in most cases is zero but FSS don't know that yet…]

In any case, earnings will grow with growth in the economy but will fall once all Fidayeen blow themselves up, which would take 200 years considering the population explosion in Afghanistan and North West Frontier Province.

Till then, happy investing!!!

Downside Risk: Fidayeen colliding and blowing apart in a crowded Railway Station is not a very pretty thought….this could lead to lawsuits.

5. Veer Appam Treasure Hunting Services Ltd.

Can there be a better company? With a low equity of 1 crore, this company has hired 20,000 jobless villagers from Andhera Pradesh to hunt for hidden treasure of dead Veerapan. So far they have recovered 60,000 tons of sandalwood, 25,000 tons of rosewood, 200 crores cash, 2000 ivory tusks and Nakkeeran Gopals moustache.

Another 5000 crores of cash is reportedly to be found. Considering that the hunting farmers are from Andhera Pardesh and might habitually commit suicide, the salary savings are immense. Thus, the overall EPS will be 10,000+ ;

Safe Investment for long term.

6. Benam Bottlewala Astro Index Services Ltd

The new India will not be ashamed of its past. This tendency has been captured well in Benam Bottlewala Astro Index Services. The company has hired over 10,000 jobless astrologers and they sit in a call centre to give consent to day traders whether Saturn and Venus and Rahu favor a short or long position on the NIFTY future. Demand is very very high and every successful consent automatically brings 10% into the company account. Every failure deducts 5% from the company as compensation. A very smart IIT Maths major has written the contracts for the company.

Benam Bottlewala himself expertly uses the charts to decide if he can go short or long with the winnings.

50-50 chance of tripling your investment in one day. Investors with appetite for risk can consult these astrologers online and invest daily.

7. MMS SCANNER from Skinvestigators Ltd.

The bold Indian youth has started discovering the biological processes in the early teens itself, especially children of affluent parents in Public Schools. New gadgets will allow new postures to be recorded and formatted faster in smaller MMS formats. The spreading of this live smutty entertainment can cause millions of deaths of middle aged men especially if they see the MMS while driving their two wheelers on a highway.

Enter MMS Scanner, a great product from Skinvestigators Ltd.

This tool uses the Insat 10X Satellite to monitor every MMS clip that is sent from the cellular networks. The algorithm is able to detect school girl skin in 5 nano seconds using Fast Fourier Transforms and immediately uses DIrect 4D Graphics to replace it with green, bubbled, toad skin. The school girl face is replaced with a face of Adolph Hitler. This has the side effect of causing severe nausea to the viewers and psychiatric illnesses later on but the Indian Tradition of Modesty is upheld.

The EPS of the company has been booming due to a lot of Other Income. Great buy!
[Apparently they sell the actual clips on hard core porn sites and make a killing…]

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